In a world where 11- and 12-year-olds are asking for multi-step skincare routines, it’s safe to say that beauty has become a central part of adolescence (lookin’ at you, Sephora tweens!). But beyond the bottles and brands, there’s something deeper going on: For many teens, beauty routines are about more than just looking good. They’re about feeling good, feeling in control — and figuring out who they are.

A new report from BCG and Women’s Wear Daily sheds light on teens’ relationship with beauty. The study surveyed more than 1,200 teens ages 13 to 18 across the U.S., along with 1,200 of their parents. In addition, another 700 Gen X and Millennial adults were polled to reflect on their own teenage experiences and provide insight into how beauty culture has evolved. The result is a fascinating portrait of today’s teen beauty shopper: informed, expressive, and surprisingly sophisticated.

Jenny B. Fine, Editor in Chief of WWD’s Beauty Inc., tells SheKnows, “What truly stands out in this research is how deeply engaged teen girls and boys are across all areas of beauty. Today’s teens are not just exploring — they’re shaping the category, with a surprising command of brands from CeraVe to Chanel and E.l.f. to Ariana Grande. Whether it’s skincare, fragrance, or makeup, their choices reflect both sophistication and range.”

And those choices are happening earlier than ever. According to the study, the average age for teens to begin skincare is now 12; for makeup, it’s 13; and for fragrance, just 11. This trend spans across gender lines, with both boys and girls becoming active beauty consumers at a younger age. Teen boys, in particular, are driving a surprising trend: 60 percent of them choose prestige fragrances over mass options, compared to just 25 percent of girls. (Their favorite brands? Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, Dior, Chanel, and Creed.) In a SheKnows survey of boys ages 13 to 19 conducted in summer 2024, nearly half — just over 46 percent — said they spritz on cologne every day, while only a small fraction (7 percent) reported wearing it rarely or not at all.

So what’s behind this early and growing interest in beauty?

For many kids, beauty routines serve as a small pocket of consistency in a chaotic world. Applying skincare before bed or choosing a signature scent before school can feel grounding. It’s a way to care for themselves when so much else feels out of their control. And in an age where online personas are curated as carefully as real-life ones, beauty becomes another tool for teens to express their identity.

Dr. Charlotte Markey, Professor of Psychology at Rutgers University and author of The Body Image Book series, tells SheKnows, “Sometimes grooming and beauty rituals are adaptive appearance investments – they are relatively low cost (financially, time, in terms of risk) and enjoyable.” (On the other hand, she explains, maladaptive appearance investments are costly in terms of time, money, the mental space they occupy, and the risks involved.)

According to Dr. Sanam Hafeez, NY-based neuropsychologist and Director of Comprehend the Mind, “Beauty rituals can serve as a meaningful outlet for teens to express their individuality, creativity, and even a sense of control during a stage of life that often feels uncertain. For some adolescents, applying makeup, styling their hair, or curating their skincare routine can offer a calming way to check in with themselves emotionally. These rituals can also help kids develop a sense of identity that’s rooted in self-care rather than appearance alone.” When parents approach these routines with curiosity rather than criticism, Dr. Hafeez tells SheKnows, they help normalize beauty as a personal and expressive practice— not a standard to be met.

Parents might assume it’s all about appearances, but for many teens, that moisturizer or perfume bottle represents something more personal. The ritual of applying skincare can feel soothing. The choice of a particular fragrance might reflect how they want to be perceived. Beauty becomes a language; one that speaks volumes about who they are … or who they’re trying to be.

Still, there can be a tipping point when interest in beauty becomes a source of more stress than empowerment.

Dr. Markey tells SheKnows that there may be a problem “when it detracts from other areas of a young person’s life — other areas that may be more conducive to developing self-esteem, like playing a sport, acting in a play, learning to play an instrument.”

Dr. Hafeez advises parents to watch for specific signs: “An interest in appearance becomes concerning when it starts to feel like a requirement rather than a choice, when a teen believes they need to look a certain way to be accepted, liked, or even feel okay about themselves,” she says. As an example, Dr. Hafeez notes, your teen might start to avoid social situations without makeup, obsess over perceived flaws, or experience intense anxiety about how they’re perceived. “In that case, it may be a sign that their self-worth is becoming too entangled with their appearance. Another red flag is when beauty routines shift from being enjoyable to feeling compulsive or driven by comparison, especially on social media. That’s when the focus has moved away from self-expression and into self-judgment.”

Dr. Markey cautions that rigidity can also be problematic — if your teen can’t let go and have fun for fear they’ll somehow mess up their looks, parents should take note. “Teens and tweens — and adults! — should be able to enjoy themselves without being so worried about their appearance that they are uncomfortable, afraid to get dirty (ever), etc,” she says.

The best safeguard to keep a healthy interest from sliding into an unhealthy preoccupation? Parents — we’re the first line of defense, folks. Beauty Inc‘s Fine notes the key role we can play in supporting healthy attitudes: “For parents, the takeaway is clear — beauty is a meaningful part of how teens express identity and care for themselves,” she says. “And while social platforms play a role, 44 percent of teens say they turn to their parents first. That opens the door for parents to engage in more thoughtful, supportive conversations around beauty and self-image.”

But how do we actually have those thoughtful conversations — and perhaps most importantly, how do we help them develop an internal sense of worth in a culture that puts so much emphasis on appearance?

“It’s important that kids learn that perfection is an illusion. No person is perfect. We aren’t perfect as adults, and they shouldn’t strive for perfection,” advises Dr. Markey.

Beyond that, the experts offered more helpful strategies parents can adopt.

Ask, don’t assume.

If your teen is suddenly into skincare or fragrance, ask them what they like about it. Their answers might surprise you. “Parents can start by asking open-ended questions that invite their child to share what they enjoy about their beauty routines, what feels fun, what makes them feel confident, what they like experimenting with,” says Dr. Hafeez. And as a bonus: “This frames beauty as a choice, not a necessity.”

Model balance — and critical thinking.

Kids absorb our attitudes about beauty and body image. Talking openly about your own routines (and your own insecurities) can help normalize imperfection. “Modeling some ‘in-between’ is probably the most effective thing we can do,” notes Dr. Markey.

And when it comes to what they see on social media, says Dr. Hafeez, pointing out unrealistic beauty standards and discussing how images are curated or altered can plant seeds of critical thinking.

Use the right language.

Dr. Hafeez suggests using language that centers on how something feels rather than how it looks. “For example, saying, ‘That color is really flattering’ or ‘You look like you’re having a great time today’ focuses on self-expression,” she says. “Sharing your routines as part of self-care can make the conversation feel mutual rather than corrective. Most importantly, remind them that who they are is always more important than how they look.”

Set age-appropriate boundaries.

It’s okay to say no to certain products or ingredients if they’re not age-appropriate — just be ready to explain why. “Social media can expose teenagers and young kids to products that might not be right for their skin type,” dermatologist-trained esthetician Shani Darden of Shani Darden Facial Studio previously told SheKnows. “It’s so important to do the research on the brands and products they’re interested in.”

Encourage intention.

If they want a new product because “everyone on TikTok has it,” explore whether they truly want it or just feel pressure to fit in.

Keep communication open.

The goal isn’t to discourage their interest in beauty — it’s to help them engage with it in a way that feels empowering, not performative.

Teen beauty habits may look different now than they did a generation ago, but the motivations behind them are often the same: the desire to fit in, stand out, and feel good in their own skin. As parents, recognizing the emotional undercurrent behind those habits can help us show up in more supportive, informed, and connected ways — but it should all start with letting our kids know they are so much more than their looks, as Dr. Hafeez reminds us: “When the family culture celebrates individuality, humor, and emotional honesty,” she says, “it becomes easier for kids to feel grounded in their worth.”

Even the pickiest teens will approve of these TikTok-viral makeup brands.

We stood in front of the mirror together, side-by-side, my 14-year-old daughter and me. We were both dressed up at the time for a special occasion — makeup, hair, fancy ‘fit, the whole thing.

Everyone always says we look alike, but I don’t see it. She is so effortlessly beautiful — blue eyes and locks of curly hair. My hair is straight and my eyes are brown. Her youth and vibrancy are a time-traveling mirror to my 45-year-old skin and patches of gray at my scalp. 

“Look at us!” she exclaimed. “We look so good.” (Then, of course, she snapped a selfie and skipped happily out of the room.)

Meanwhile, I closed my eyes and captured that moment in my mind. “Gosh, she’s beautiful,” I whispered to myself. 

I didn’t say the same about myself though. Instead, I zoned in on the wrinkles around my eyes, the loose skin on my neck, the tightness around my waist where my pants were too snug.

Because that’s how it goes, doesn’t it? I was once an energetic teenage girl with dewy skin and a tiny waist, but now I’m a middle-aged mom — 30 years into the future. And today’s “me” struggles to find the natural beauty and value in myself that I so easily see in my child. 

But just as she is a mirror to my past, I am a crystal ball to her future. And I’ve come to realize one reason why it is so important that I express kindness — love, even — to myself, to my body. The truth is, I want her to absolutely love and cherish herself today, but I also want her to love and cherish herself when she’s 45, like me.

When I berate myself for literally aging or because my body has changed and no longer looks like it did 10, 20 years ago, I think of her. I think of her insulting herself someday too. Of hating what she sees in the mirror. And my heart shatters at the mere thought of it.

Perimenopause has been a real kick in the teeth for me, like it is for women everywhere. My body has morphed — abruptly, it seems — into a body I don’t recognize some days. And it would probably be easier to just accept defeat, hate it, and never attempt any positivity or appreciation for it ever again. 

But I’ve decided that no, I’m not waving the white flag. This body that stuck with me through my innocent girlhood when I rode bikes and climbed trees, this body that survived the hellscape of middle school and then high school, this body that carried me through college while I studied abroad in England on my own at 20 years old, this body that was there when I fell in love, got married in a big, white satin dress, and then brought three brand-new humans into the world … I’m not giving up on it just because it’s changed. Just because it’s bigger and older. Just because my skin is saggier in some parts and my hair gets grayer by the day. 

So many of us have adolescent girls standing alongside us in the mirror as we hit perimenopause, which makes sense, as the average age for childbirth is late 20s or early 30s. I’m 45 and my daughter is 14, which means we’re both experiencing monumental physical changes at the same time. 

And because we already endured the toxic diet culture messaging of the ’90s, we know how important it is that we instill a sense of self-worth in our girls when they are young. But what about when they aren’t young anymore, like us? How do we ensure that they are also protected from the toxic messaging of the anti-aging beauty and diet culture that will undoubtedly attack them when they’re grown women?

We can’t. We can’t shield our girls and their future selves from the billion-dollar industries that thrive on us all hating what we see in the mirror. 

But we can model for them what it looks like to appreciate our bodies. We can show them what it looks like to find self-worth in ways that are unrelated to weight, clothing size, or wrinkles on our skin. We can remind ourselves that aging means we’re here. We’re alive. We get to cheer our girls on as they round the bases at their softball games and take them shopping for Homecoming dresses, sharing in their joy as they twirl in the mirror. We get to dance with our partners in the kitchen and have a glass of wine with our girlfriends and laugh until our faces hurt.

We can appreciate and find gratitude in living a life worth living, even — and especially if — that means we look our age. And in doing so, we pave the way for our girls to grow up with the same mindset. We need to do the work now so that when they’re standing next to their daughters and looking in the mirror 30 years from now, they’ll both say together, “Look at us! We look so good.” And they’ll mean it.

I’m still a work in progress, but I’m not giving up. When I catch myself appreciating my daughter’s beauty and not my own, I stop myself and say, “No, we’re not doing that. We’re both beautiful, strong, and worthy — at 14, 45, and we will be when we’re 100.” Because it’s true. And the more we say it, the more we’ll both believe it.

Karen Johnson’s book What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts from a 40-Something Mom) is available for pre-order today via Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop, and Target.

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Films like Raya and the Last Dragon, The Farewell, and Crazy Rich Asians all highlight the significance of food in various Asian cultures, because for so many of us, food is love. Showing love through food is so universal, yet so specific, that articles and videos about Asian parents presenting their kids with cut fruit instead of showing affection verbally or physically have gone viral.

“Have you eaten?” is a common greeting all over Asia. Urgings of “Eat more, eat more!” echo throughout meals. Elder family members aggressively push delectable morsels onto guests’ plates. Any refusals will be laughed off and ignored. Memories of countless bustling meals past warm my heart and belly as a smile spreads across my face — this is tradition.   

My smile freezes into a grimace, however, when I’m reminded of the consistent comments about my weight — gained or lost —at every family encounter. Unfortunately, I’m not alone. In an informal poll on the Facebook Group Modern Asian Moms, 83% (70 of the 84 participants) answered affirmative to the question, “Does your family comment about your weight at Lunar New Year celebrations and other gatherings?”

One expectant mom commented, “Would it be an Asian family gathering if someone doesn’t make a weight comment?”

Jeanne Chang, a mother of two from California who blogs on teaching kids Mandarin and Chinese culture, shared, “My dad says, ‘you’ve gained weight’ instead of hello. I have a complex now and I’m trying not to pass this onto my kids.”

According to ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders), a 2021 study found that “Asian American college students report higher rates of restriction compared with their white peers and higher rates of purging, muscle building, and cognitive restraint than their white or non-Asian, BIPOC peers,” and that “Asian American college students report higher levels of body dissatisfaction and negative attitudes toward obesity than their non-Asian, BIPOC peers.”  

As someone who’s been struggling with my weight my entire life and put on diets since I was seven years old, I also embody Jeanne’s concerns. When my child asked recently, “Why do grown-ups hate their bodies?” it stopped me in my tracks. I desperately want to nurture a healthy body image in my child, but how do I do this when I have a negative body image myself? What mistakes am I making that I’m not even aware of?  

To learn more about breaking this cycle, I interviewed Dr. Cin Cin Tan, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Toledo whose research examines the development of children’s eating patterns and the role of parents in shaping children’s behaviors. She’s also a mom.

“Our families want us to eat, but they also have no problem making comments about body size. This contradiction is challenging. It’s a clash of generations and times,” explained Dr. Tan, who is of Malaysian and Chinese descent.

“There’s always the message to eat more and not waste food, but then if you gain any weight, it’s always called out,” said Celita Lee, a data strategy director from Seattle, Washington, who is both ethnic Chinese and Korean. “This is a constant struggle with my dad. He recently called my daughter skinny (she’s four) and told me to feed her more, right in front of her.”

Our parents’ blunt observations about weight are not malicious; it’s the opposite. Though their intent may be to show concern by pointing out the slightest changes in our bodies, the result is no less hurtful. We live in a time of abundance and strong media influence where extremely thin body types are celebrated, especially with mega Asian pop icons like BTS and BLACKPINK.

Conformity to look a certain way may be a survival tactic considering the trauma my parents’ generation, who were born into communities decimated by war where food was scarce. I was born in a Chinatown in South Korea in the early 1980s. Back then, any fat person was automatically referred to deferentially as “boss” because only the wealthy could afford extra food to be fat. The exponential economic growth in a short amount of time experienced by many countries across Asia may have contributed to conflicting ideas on food and body image.

“It’s really hard getting my dad to adjust the way he talks about body image,” added Celita. “I see how damaging he was to my sister and myself, and I don’t want that to continue with my daughter.” 

I deeply relate, as I went to extreme lengths to stop my parents from commenting about my weight. It took drawing boundaries and upholding them over and over for the message to sink in. As much as it pained me and my parents, I made it clear that our relationship was at stake. Though fear of regression exists, I’ve forged a peace so that we can have a more sustainable bond with more all-around joyful family reunions. 

But older generations aside, how can we do better by our children? How can we continue to show love with food, which is integral to our culture, and nurture a positive body image?

Avoid negative body talk.

According to Dr. Tan, it is important that parents avoid negative body talk or fat talk — the type of conversations that adults may be modeling inadvertently. “Children pick up on our insecurity. We can teach children to appreciate their bodies by emphasizing what our bodies can do and the strength of our bodies. We should emphasize skills beyond looks.”

Model good eating habits.

For many parents, the need to model good eating habits for our kids is both a no-brainer and easier said than done. Some non-intimidating ways to get started include eating meals together without distractions like screens, talking about foods you enjoy and encouraging children to try them, and avoiding making negative comments about foods.

Food as a reward doesn’t work.

“The ‘eat your broccoli, then you get dessert’ idea doesn’t work. Your child will only learn to dislike broccoli more,” said Dr. Tan. “The best method of getting children to eat specific foods is repeated exposure — it takes kids 10 to 15 times of trying a food before they will like it, before they will accept them.”

Avoid emotional eating habits with planned snacks before meltdowns.

Dr. Tan adds that research shows parents who are emotional eaters are more likely to use food to calm emotions in their children. She recommends offering snacks at scheduled intervals as a prevention before meltdowns occur. And for meltdowns-in-progress, Dr. Tan suggests using breathing exercises or other coping methods first, if possible, and wait until after the child has calmed down before offering a snack.

Encourage intuitive eating.

Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to leave food on my plate or grains of rice uneaten in my bowl. With my child, I encourage him to listen to his body as much as I can. I’ve noticed that some days he eats a lot and others he doesn’t eat much at all. I’ve tried not to worry too much about this. Dr. Tan validated this philosophy as being in line with her research in children’s ability to self-regulate food intake based on internal cues of hunger and satiety.

Recognize that parenting is not easy.

“My daughter wanted to eat Cheerios and oat milk for three meals a day, and she has two professors of psychology on children’s eating habits as parents,” shared Dr. Tan, laughing, who understands the challenges of how difficult theories can be to apply in practice. “My perspective has changed a lot since becoming a parent myself.”  

She also stresses the importance of identifying what is typical development versus a valid concern. Parents can ask themselves, “Is this something that’s happening once in a while or is it more serious or debilitating?” By taking a step back, parents can better identify when a behavior is typical for this age versus something needing intervention. Providing a loving environment with positive, intentional parenting is the best any of us can strive to do.

This Lunar New Year celebration, I’m excited to watch my kiddo eat his weight in his LaoLao’s homemade dumplings — because he wants to, not because anyone else is pressuring him. I will try my best, with the help of my brother and my husband, to protect my child from body talk, as my parents will inevitably want to comment on his thinness. My job will be to reinforce healthy boundaries for our family so that we can all enjoy the wonderful Lunar New Year festivities — and all the other amazing meals — together for years to come.  

She pointed to getting those photos taken and seven words from a photographer who would have a lasting impact on her life. She tells me that in between shots, she was her “normal self” — laughing and making jokes. But as soon as the photographer would pick up the camera, she would go from laughing to tight-lipped. After several rounds of this, he finally asked why she kept shutting her mouth.

“I said, ‘I don’t like my smile,'” Aduba, who has a gap in her top teeth, tells SheKnows exclusively. “I remember he had his camera in his hand and he was just sort of looking at it…And he said, ‘I think you have a beautiful smile.”

It wasn’t a magic fix, but it was a start. If you were to find her yearbook, you’d see a closed-mouth teenager, but she held onto the thought, “I have a beautiful smile.”

Aduba says she distinctly remembers things changing on her Senior Day. She has so many pictures from that moment onward where she’s just beaming. “I would not and could not stop smiling. Even now, on red carpets, I feel like smiling all the time.”

“And I say this because I want to make up for lost smiles,” she says.

And so who better than Aduba to partner with Colgate for their My Smile is My Superpower campaign?! The campaign, which includes a moving music video about the beauty of gaps, celebrates diverse smiles and reminds people — especially those timid teens who don’t want to smile in photos! — that they should own their unique smile.

Colgate is also committing to reaching 250 thousand kids this year with their Bright Smiles, Bright Futures (BSBF) program which provides educational resources, mobile dental van screening visits, teacher classroom kids, and more.

The My Smile is My Superpower campaign may be targeted toward Gen Z, but Aduba also wants it to reach a very special member of Generation Alpha: her daughter Adaiba Lee Nonyem. The Mrs. America actress shares the sweet five-month-old with husband Robert Sweeting, and though Aduba may still be deep in the diaper days, she is already thinking about how to instill a deep sense of confidence in little Adaiba.

“I think about how I want to present to the world for her to feel like she’s standing in her strongest, most powerful self,” she says. ” And part of that is embracing all of me. If I want her to embrace all of herself — which is made up of myself or my husband — then I have to also take a mantle up and do my very best of holding on to and embracing all of myself.”

And so she plans to model “celebration of self” while also constantly telling Adaiba how smart, kind, loving, beautiful, and talented she is.

“I want her cup of confidence to be overflowing,” she says, and we want that for little Adaiba too.

While Aduba says those things on repeat to her daughter, the SAG Award winner has a different message for the moms in her life. And no, it’s not “keep it up” or “hang in there” or “you’re so strong.”

“I don’t say those things. I just say, ‘You’re doing great’ because you might not feel strong some days. You might not feel like you want to keep it up some days. But you can, I think, be told that you’re doing great wherever you’re at on that particular day.”

It’s such a simple yet powerful message, and we have no doubt those three words can be just as transformative as the seven Aduba heard from the photographer all those years ago.

These celebrity parents are raising strong, resilient daughters.

I thought my mastectomy and direct-to-implant surgery would be a one-and-done (for-a-long-time). I swapped out my old breast tissue, which contained multiple, teeny, malignant tumors, for silicone bags—and believed I’d live happily ever after. But the fairytale turned into a nightmare.

From the outside, I looked pretty good. I had the ideal, curvaceous body — you know, the one you see all over Instagram. My breasts wouldn’t sag with age. They were prominent and perfect, filling every bikini top and v-neck tee.

However, I began experiencing strange and seemingly-unrelated symptoms. One morning, I woke up and noticed my feet felt heavy, like they were encased in drying cement. After popping in my contact lenses, I noticed my toes were a gloomy shade of purple-gray. I began experiencing increasing anxiety, yellow-tinted skin, and achy joints and muscles. Suddenly, I was unable to consume certain foods and drinks including strawberries, guacamole, green tea, and shrimp. Though I was always exhausted, my heart felt like it was always racing. At one point, I ended up in the emergency room with a pulmonary embolism.

I brought these concerns to multiple medical professionals, including specialists. I had scans, labs, and exams. Each time, doctors were perplexed. More than one physician suggested my symptoms were all in my head. I grew increasingly depressed and anxious, so much so that I prayed God would let me die in my sleep. I was trapped in my own body.

Thankfully, my breakthrough happened when I did some digging into my symptoms and discovered a social media group dedicated to women with breast implant illness, also known as BII. Reading post after post, I had an “aha” moment. The reason I wasn’t diagnosed with any specific ailment was simple: breast implant illness isn’t recognized as an official medical condition. Yet over 150,000 women in the social media group believed it was real. Many of them posted before (with implants) and after side-by-side pictures, demonstrating the major differences between living in a chronic state of inflammation and healing.

That day, I called my plastic surgeon and scheduled an appointment. Waiting the three weeks to speak with her was torturous, but for the first time in over a year, I felt hopeful. When we did speak, I told her I wanted to explant: period. I had zero reservations. My breast implants were poisoning me.

I continued to experience over 29 different symptoms until the day I explanted. During this time, I got my house ready, my husband re-arranged his work schedule, and I told my kids that my implants were coming out. Of course, they had a million questions — and I answered every single one.

I will never forget when my then-9-year-old daughter came to me one day with a drawing in her hand. She drew a progression of me. There was the (then) current me: a stick figure who appeared sad. Next, there was me in the OR, surrounded by doctors. Finally, there was an arrow drawn to the post-op me. I was grinning, with two Xs drawn across my chest. To this day, I treasure this kiddie art more than almost anything else.

Having implants stole precious time from me. There were days I was bedridden, crying, tired, and anxious. My youngest was a preschooler, full of energy and “watch me, Mommy,” and I couldn’t keep up. I had to merely make it through holidays and birthdays, couldn’t volunteer at their school, missed church. Even when I was awake and physically present, my mind was elsewhere.

My youngest, shortly after explant, ran up to me and gave me a hug while I was talking to another parent. She announced, “I like hugging my mommy better now that she had her boobs cut off!” I laughed and explained to the woman I’d had a mastectomy and breast implant removal.

I think — and hope — I’m doing a good job showing my four children, especially my three daughters, that society doesn’t get to define beauty and health. Our bodies and minds need us to be good to them. Nourishing food, exercise, rest, and deciding how we define our own beauty are key. Limiting my kids’ exposure to social media has been helpful, as well as practicing what I preach. I want to show them that it’s possible to be comfortable in your own skin, even when it doesn’t conform to society’s “normal” beauty standards. I want my children to appreciate their bodies, not judge them based on messages that seek to teach them they need to be more, less, or different. And we joke as a family about me being “flat as a pancake” and not needing a bra — humor is healthy. 

My kids have watched me go through cancer twice, and it was important to me to model for them that body parts aren’t what makes a person more or less worthy of being happy and whole. It was difficult to lose my breasts, but certainly less difficult than losing my life.

I explanted two and a half years ago, and I have zero regrets. My chest is marked with scars, but I can lift weights, hug people, sleep on my stomach — things I could barely do with implants. All 29 debilitating symptoms are gone. I often swim and work out topless. I post social media pictures and videos reminding viewers to do self-exams and get mammograms, as well as implore everyone to understand that breast implants have an FDA black box warning for a reason. Breast implant illness is real, and I believe it almost took my life.

My journey has been tumultuous, but ultimately, victorious. All four of my kids have suffered as a result of my suffering. I was a mentally absent mom for too long, all because I believed I was “too young” not to have breasts. Giving breast implants a three-year trial run was the worst mistake of my life. However, through my struggle, my kids have watched me advocate for myself and others, they’ve seen me shed the weight of toxic beauty standards and beliefs — and most of all, they have their mom back. I may be without breasts, but I’m happy, healthy, and present. 

I had breast implants for almost three and a half years. I went from a natural C cup before my mastectomy to a D cup, thanks to round silicone breast implants after surgery. My new faux breasts looked absolutely perfect. I figured I would be a one-and-done patient. Since I didn’t require any further breast cancer treatment after my surgery, because my cancer was such an early stage, I would live my best life for a good 10 to 15 years before needing my implants replaced.

The fairy tale didn’t manifest. My right implant, which was placed on my cancer side, caused me constant shoulder blade pain that kept me up at night. Nothing helped — not chiropractic care, not physical therapy, not Epsom salt baths, not heat and ice, and not yoga and stretching. An MRI revealed nothing. Pain relievers worked for a mere few hours.

Then came the symptoms. The year before I explanted, I started getting sick and sicker. I would wake up in the morning, my whole body stiff and swollen. My toes would turn purple (yes, purple). I was anxious and depressed, exhausted, and I experienced heart palpitations. I was suddenly intolerant to foods I’d consumed for years — even healthy foods, like strawberries, seafood, and green tea. I felt like a walking zombie, spending many days bedridden. I knew my family — especially my four kids — needed me, but I simply couldn’t muster any energy to get out of bed.

I was diagnosed with “maybe lupus” based on my borderline labs and symptoms. I ended up in the ER with a pulmonary embolism. I remember asking God just to let me die in my sleep, because I was so tired of doctors throwing their hands up at my symptoms and giving me to relief.

When I discovered what breast implant illness (BII) was and how it manifested, I knew I had it. I burst into my husband’s home office and announced that I was explanting to flat. He grew wide-eyed, but in the coming days jokingly said to me, “I’m more of a butt man anyway.” My family was on board. I called my plastic surgeon and begged her to take out my implants and the capsules around them. She agreed, and we got surgery on the schedule.

Going from “perfect” D breasts to a completely flat chest was an adjustment. I remember not being able to look at my chest for days after surgery, refusing to glance downward as I showered. Our bathroom features a massive sheet mirror that spans two sinks and a long countertop. I made my husband hold up a towel over my body so I wouldn’t accidentally catch a glimpse.

Even though I felt immediately better after surgery — a literal weight lifted off my chest — I knew I would need time to embrace my new body. When I did work up the courage to take a peek, I loved what I saw —because the scars and flatness was symbolic of the new me, the one who was healing from implant illness.

Summer arrived a few months after my surgery, and I wore my old swimsuits. Yes, they fit far differently, and yes, it was very obvious that I was flat-chested. I wasn’t ready to go buy new swimwear — because any woman can tell you that swimsuit shopping is a nightmare. Frankly, I’d rather get a pap smear.

I could have chosen a special swimsuit that concealed my flatness, or I could have opted for prosthetics. Neither appealed to me. I wanted to be comfortable, above all, with minimal seams and thin material. Less is more when it comes to a sensitive chest. My family and I swim every day, so I was all in. I could sit by the sidelines in the blazing sun and try to cover up, or I could enjoy the water with my kids. I chose the latter.

Just a few weeks ago, we went on our first beach vacation in four years. I purchased a few new swimsuits, excited to finally sink my feet into the sand. In addition to being completely flat-chested, I’m also a type 1 diabetic. My insulin pump and continuous glucose monitor, two tools that help keep me healthy and alive, are also on full display.

I absolutely got a few second glances, but I also met a few fellow type 1 diabetics on the beach. I let the waves crash into my back, took several walks on the beach with my kids, and enjoyed resting and listening to the seagulls. After fighting cancer twice, I’m often reminded that I could have missed these moments. Frankly, my kids don’t care what I look like in a swimsuit. They just want an attentive, happy mom.

I can spend my time worrying about what other people think, or I can choose to embrace the life I have now, understanding that every person — regardless of diagnosis, disability, or body type — deserves to put on a swimsuit of their choosing and enjoy summer. Yes, there will be people who choose to judge and critique rather than stay in their own lane. You can decide that their opinion of you is absolutely none of your concern.

What matters are the people you surround yourself with: the people you love and who love you. What also matters is your opinion of you. My scars and gear tell a powerful story, one I am happy to share, one that I am happy my children get to know about me. That story is far more beautiful than my “perfect” breasts ever were.

Most of us have heard about self-esteem. Most of us could agree we’d like our teens to have healthy self-esteem, and we know self-esteem can be fragile during those formative teen years. And yet, self-esteem remains a vague concept, especially as it relates to our teens.

Enter National Teen Self-Esteem Month, which kicked off at the beginning of May, alongside Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s sponsored by I Am Worth More, a nonprofit organization whose goal is to help teens build their self-esteem by connecting them to the right resources and presenting positive entertainment influences.

In recognition of National Teen Self-Esteem Month, SheKnows spoke with Jill Emanuele, Ph.D., Vice-President, Clinical Training of the Child Mind Institute; Ken Ginsburg, MD, MSEd, Founder and Director of the Center For Parent & Teen Communication; and Lena Derhally, Licensed Psychotherapist and Author of The Facebook Narcissist, to help parents understand what might impact a teen’s self-esteem and how to help them to build it back up.

Teen Self-Esteem is Impacted by the World Around Them

Teen self-esteem is affected by everything from the type of social media they interact with to the kind of friend groups they’re surrounding themselves with, according to Dr. Emanuele. Likewise, how they’re doing academically, what activities they’re involved in, their overall mental health, whether they’ve suffered abuse or trauma, and whether they’ve faced any significant life events (like moving or parental divorce) can impact self-esteem.

A less obvious factor to impact a teen’s self-esteem: a teen’s parents. How parents model self-esteem and how parents interact with their teens can be crucial to a teen’s self-esteem.

Low Teen Self-Esteem Is Associated With Negative Activities

A 2014 national report found that 75 percent “of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities like cutting, bullying, smoking, drinking, or disordered eating. This compares to 25% of girls with high self-esteem.”

Dr. Emanuele echoes this idea, noting that common behaviors associated with low self-esteem in teens, in general, include negative self-thinking, depressive symptoms (including withdrawal from activities or friends, sadness, fatigue, irritability), drug use, struggling academically, and difficulty with interpersonal relationships.

Negative self-talk is another sign parents should look out for, according to Derhally, who notes that this can manifest either through disparaging comments or choosing to hold back from expressing themselves authentically.

Expert Tips To Build And Protect Your Teen’s Self-Esteem

Be Present

The most important thing parents can do to build and protect their teen’s self-esteem is to be there for them and to love them unconditionally, says Dr. Ginsburg. “A parent knows you better than anybody, they know all that’s good and right, know your problems. When they still decide you’re worth loving, what that really translates into is a human being knowing that they’re worthy of being loved. When a young person knows they’re worthy of being loved, they have a natural shield against those external forces saying that they’re not good enough.”

“Parents can’t always affect kids’ self-esteem,” says Dr. Ginsburg, “but they can deeply affect their sense of self-worth. Self-esteem might be something they’re feeling in the moment, but self-worth is something they carry for a lifetime.”

Model Healthy Self-Esteem

As it turns out, how parents model their own self-esteem significantly impacts how a teen will develop self-esteem. “Kids don’t exist in a vacuum,” notes Dr. Emanuele. “They are a product of their environments and world. If a parent is struggling with self-esteem, that’s being modeled, and the child is picking up the same thought patterns and behaviors.”

Keep Communication Open

Be regularly engaged with your teen. Ask questions. Ensure that they know they can tell you absolutely anything. “Don’t push but check in regularly, and eventually, if you’re really trying to connect, they will talk,” Dr. Emanuele assures.

When it comes to comments that seem tied to low self-esteem, Derhally encourages parents to mirror back what they’ve heard from their teen (as in: “I heard you say…”), validate their thought (as in: “That must be hard to feel that way about yourself…”), and then empathize.

Teach Your Teens How to Solve Their Own Problems, Then Give Them the Freedom to Do So

Give kids the tools to problem-solve, then step back to let them do it. When kids make their own choices and feel competent in social and academic situations, they feel better about themselves. That means parents must pull back the urge to micromanage their teens or fix situations—whether social or academic.

“I see a lot of parents trying to solve problems for kids, and that doesn’t teach them how to do it. It’s hard to let them make mistakes,” notes Dr. Emanuele, but ultimately, it’s a crucial part of helping them realize their self-worth. She encourages parents to let teens “own their own decisions and opinions rather than telling them what they’re thinking,” and then to celebrate the effort rather than the outcome.

To add to that, Derhally encourages parents to normalize failure. It’s a part of life, after all, and the sooner kids learn how to handle it successfully, the better off they’ll be.

Monitor Social Relationships

Related to the above, Dr. Emanuele encourages parents to be aware of who their teen’s friends are and what kind of relationships they have. “Don’t over-monitor,” she cautions, but do help them recognize problematic behavior if it exists and show them how to problem-solve. “Point out that you don’t like the way X is treating them, then get [your teen’s] point of view on it. Talk to them about how they can problem-solve themselves.”

Be Aware of Social Media

When we think of low self-esteem, many of us point instantly to social media. We’re not wrong—there’s certainly a correlation. We’re also not right.

“Social media has been an absolutely wonderful thing for self-esteem and absolutely terrible thing for kids’ self-esteem simultaneously,” says Dr. Ginsburg, who highlighted that social media can be positive, especially when it allows kids who feel like outliers to connect with others outside of their community.

However, social media begins to negatively affect a teen’s self-esteem when it becomes a place where the message is you’re not good enough. Thanks to the pervasiveness of filters and photoshopped images, teens are consistently bombarded with images of perfection, which aren’t real. Their self-esteem may begin to suffer when they can’t reach these false ideals or rack up a certain number of likes.

It’s difficult for adults to process the barrage of information, says Derhally, and when it comes to teens, it’s even harder. “Teens don’t have the brain development or life experience to process it.”

When Should You Seek Extra Support?

Parents who need more support should always reach out to an expert. “It’s never too soon to have your child evaluated,” notes Dr. Emanuele, but especially “if you’ve noticed a change in behavior or the way they usually operate that’s gone on for a couple of weeks.”

At its core, self-esteem is tied to self-worth, whether we feel worthy of being loved by our family and friends. Our teens are constantly attempting to figure out their self-worth, and they’re doing so by absorbing the messages around them. This means the best thing parents can do is be informed, aware, and present. That might seem like a small thing, but it’s undoubtedly the most important.

These celebrity parents are making raising teenagers look easy — or at least more bearable.

When I showed it to his pediatrician, I assume he’d say that it was a birthmark and that it would disappear in time. My younger sister had a strawberry birthmark (hemangioma) on her forearm as a young child, and it disappeared as she got older: I thought it would be the same for my son. His pediatrician told us that he couldn’t diagnose it, but that it didn’t look like the kind that disappears over time.

We took our son to a pediatric dermatologist when he was about a year old. The doctor examined the birthmark and told us that it was a congenital nevus. “It grows as your child grows,” he said. He told us that the only way to remove it would be through surgery — likely several surgeries. It was the kind of birthmark that needed to be excised; not even laser treatments could remove it.

My heart sank. The idea of removing the skin on my little child’s neck sounded terrifying. “Do we need to remove it?” I asked. The doctor explained that this would be something we could decide as our child got older. Some children are comfortable with it, he said. The more we are able to normalize it for our son, and teach him that it’s a special part of him, the better.

This plan worked for some time. Yes, there were times that my son had to deal with some less than polite peers — like the time a fellow preschooler asked if he had poop on his neck. But for the most part, my son learned to live with it. One of my biggest concerns was bullying at school, but aside from that one remark, most kids would simply ask him what it was, he would tell them, and then they’d just accept it for what it was.

The plan of my son embracing his birthmark as something unique seemed to be working. When he was 5 or 6, I remember asking him if he’d like to get it removed someday, just so people would stop asking him what it was. He quickly responded, “I love my birthmark. It’s what makes me special.”

All of that changed when my son was about 7. Interestingly, it wasn’t that he felt ashamed of the birthmark, but the birthmark itself started to be physically uncomfortable. The nevus had thickened, was rough and dry, and would become chapped in cold weather. We applied all kinds of dermatologist-recommended creams to it, but the problem still persisted. Sometimes the itchiness would wake our son up at night. Often, it would become inflamed and bleed.

We asked the dermatologist if there was anything else we could do to treat it, but he said surgery was really the best option at this point. Thankfully, my son was on board — anything to make the discomfort go away. So we scheduled the surgery.

Interestingly, as the surgery came closer, my son’s relationship to his birthmark evolved. He started to have more negative feelings about it. He wanted it off now, and he would get upset when people would ask him what it was or why he had a brown thing on his neck.

I tried to just go with it and honor his feelings, even though it was painful to see him having such a difficult time.

The surgeries themselves were challenging. After the first one, where a large portion of the birthmark was removed, my son wouldn’t move his neck much for about a week without pain and discomfort. Having surgery was also a deeply emotional experience for him. He seemed traumatized at times by it, and dreaded the next surgery.

The reason more than one surgery was needed was because the skin on my son’s neck had to grow and expand before another piece of the birthmark could be removed. In total, my son had to have two more surgeries to get it completely removed. In between, he had bandages for weeks at a time, half-healed scar tissue, and remaining birthmark intact.

So he continued to field questions about what was on his neck. As time went on, he became less comfortable talking about it, and answering people’s questions. Maybe it was because of the state of birthmark/scar, or maybe it was because he was older and kids were becoming more likely to be tactless or cruel, but some of the comments about the birthmark were getting worse.

I’ll never forget the time when he was about 8 and a kid mockingly told him that when he looked at his neck, he wanted to throw up. My son got so upset and began lashing out at the kid. We had to quickly move him away from the child. I worried that something similar would happen at school (it didn’t, thankfully).

Now my son is 10, and though some of the surgeries got delayed because of the pandemic, he is basically done with that part of his journey. His scar is still healing and his surgeon might do a few touch–ups down the road. My son doesn’t have a birthmark on his neck anymore, but he does have a noticeable scar.

I won’t lie: things were tough for a while. Between the pandemic and the birthmark surgeries, he had a rough few years.  There were times that his self-esteem seemed to be affected by having his birthmark; he’d complain about how it looked, and would make other disparaging marks about his self-image.

But just in the past few months, his intense feelings about the birthmark and surgeries have dissipated. Now that we are mostly on the other side, I can see that the experience made him stronger. He is not afraid to be someone who is different — he’s a creative, thoughtful person with a unique style and tons of interesting opinions and hobbies. He loves to sing and act. He just got a starring role in his school play.

It’s such a relief to see him happy and thriving after these past few years, and after all the years that I worried how having his birthmark would shape his life and personality.

The other day, I was telling him how proud of him I am, and that I think he’s a standout type of kid — someone who isn’t afraid to be different, and who follows his own path. Without skipping a beat, he connected that idea right back to his birthmark. “Mom,” he said. “I’m not sad that I don’t have my birthmark anymore, because I’m still a special kid.”

Yes. Yes, you are my love, and you always will be.

Ego vs. self-esteem

Being egotistical is generally considered negative, while having high levels of self-esteem is positive. So, what’s the difference? An egotistical person’s self-worth is driven by external factors — primarily feedback from others. A person with high self-esteem’s sense of self-worth is determined by internal factors such as passion, belief or personal vision.

People with big egos are often insecure and trying to cover up those insecurities by pretending to be important or better than everyone else. Those with big egos lack confidence and self-love. Conversely, those with high self-esteem have confidence in their own abilities, know their shortcomings and love themselves.

We all have an ego. However, we must learn how to control it. If you let your ego go unchecked, it can cause tremendous turmoil in your life — particularly with your partner or spouse. Negative feelings, such as anger, resentment, fear and jealousy are all products of the ego.

Hanging on

Oftentimes a person will remain in a bad relationship because her ego won’t allow her to accept that her judgment of her partner’s character was wrong. This is common when a person is being cheated on. The ego is bruised and we can’t accept that we are less attractive or less desirable than our partner’s mistress. It can’t be true that we invested years into a relationship that isn’t working out. Our ego won’t allow us to accept it. So, we hang on to the relationship to prove that we are worthy to be in it. In order to move on, a person needs to let go of her ego and free herself from an unhealthy relationship.

Jealous thoughts

When your boyfriend is out with his friends, does your mind go wild with thoughts about what he’s doing? Jealousy and ego can be very destructive. If you obsess on those thoughts running through your mind, by the time your boyfriend comes home, you can convince yourself that he’s cheating on you. Of course, an argument will ensue and your boyfriend will be frustrated about the accusations. If the pattern repeats, he will become resentful and eventually want out of the relationship — all because of a fictitious story that you allowed your ego to create in your head.

Being right

For the egotist, being right all the time is closely associated with feeling worthy. Therefore, those who can’t let go of their egos do and say anything they can to always be right. Unfortunately, this happens at the expense of everything else. The desire to always be right can ruin relationships with co-workers, bosses, siblings, relatives and spouses. At some point, you need to realize that the false self-worth that you get from sticking to your guns and “being right” doesn’t outweigh true happiness.

Fear of rejection

Whether it’s asking for a promotion at work or introducing yourself to a new guy at the gym, fear of rejection can be what stops you from achieving your goals. If you let go of your ego and those fears, you can live your life without limits and achieve a lot more. To combat the fear of rejection, you need to love yourself and know that you deserve positivity in your life. You must accept that life isn’t without failures. In some scenarios, you may get rejected 90 percent of the time, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a chance at success.

Gaining control of your ego is the best thing that you can do for yourself. If you can’t put your ego aside and let it go, you’ll continue to have unsuccessful, destructive and unhappy relationships.

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